Part of the PE package often includes poor body image. It's hard to have a so-called deformity.
Poor body image has been linked to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction, diminished mental performance, disordered eating, etc. It can certainly be more damaging than the actual deformity itself.
Having good vs. poor body image can feel like the difference between living in a luxury mansion with maids, vs. a dirty mattress in a crack den basement– it really affects your quality of life. The good news is that you can move into a more positive headspace for the way you experience your body (I promise).
I remember times where it felt like my body image had hit rock-bottom. I would desperately search online for something to make me feel better, but most of the body-positive stuff out there (especially for women) is about weight; the one aspect of my body I didn't have an issue with.
It's natural for people to compare what they're self-conscious about to others. People who worry that they're fat or that their nose is too big can look at others and develop a sense of what they look like relatively. However with PE being hidden, this process doesn't happen in the usual way. Since PE isn't part of the typical human body, it's far more difficult to gauge how bad it is and how much it affects your attractiveness.
The amount of psychological distress experienced by some with PE varies a lot. It's intuitive to assume that the deeper your PE is, the more unhappy you'll be with it. But that's not how it actually plays out. There are people with mild PE who feel devastated, and people with severe PE who are comfortable with it. The mediating effect of your perception of your PE– let's call it the relationship you have with your PE– accounts for huge part of how happy/unhappy you are with it. But just like any other relationship, keeping it healthy takes work.
Here are some tips:
1. Exercise regularly in a way that's fun for you
Not with the goal of trying to reduce the actual deformity, but simply to experience your body in a way that isn't related to focusing on how it looks. Focus on how it feels instead. Focus on what it can do. And enjoy those endorphins.
2. Develop your identity
The happier with yourself that you are in general, the healthier your relationship with your PE will be. Having PE is just one really tiny aspect of you, and the more stuff you do that you're proud of, the smaller that piece will become. Self-improvement!
2. Focus on what you like about your body
Everyone has something they like about themselves. Download a gratefulness app and record 3 things everyday that you like about your body, with no repeats for a month. (Research shows this really works! Just try it for two weeks and you'll feel better.)
4. Don't focus on attractiveness
Thinking about how un/attractive you are is a slippery slope, especially if you're a perfectionist or prone to anxiety or depression. Don't spend too much time comparing yourself to others, judging the attractiveness of other people, or scrolling pinterest. And definitely minimize hanging out with people who really value appearance.
5. Don't avoid your PE... but don't focus on it either
Contradictory I know. But there's a happy middle ground. If you can barely stand to look at it and avoid mirrors, or treat it like a shameful secret, or avoid doing things you want to do because of it, then you have a problem. Likewise for if you can't stop obsessing over how it looks or how "ugly" it makes you. Monitor how you feel about it and if your relationship with your PE gets too intense, look into talking to someone about it.
6. Remember that it's a bigger deal to you than anyone else.
Really. As much as it might feel like people will focus on it, they won't nearly as much as you do, or even at all. Trust this, and don't avoid situations involving others seeing it. Gradually you'll notice that others don't really care, which in turn will make you care less.
More posts on this topic coming soon.
